Sacked
Comiserations to Mr Limes, who was earlier sacked for being 3 weeks late for his first day at work.
If you know somebody who knows how to wear a tie and has no family, pets, or other comittments, please get them to send in an application form.

Resigned
Congratulations to our former editor who is leaving us. Whether or not this message should be going under the previous heading or not is yet to be confirmed. We wish him all the best in starting up his new business ventures, opening up a ski school and an anger management clinic. I'm sure they'll be a raging success.

World Cup Fever
Watch out folks, there's a bit of world cup fever going around. With games clashing with working hours and all, I fear many of us could catch this disease in the coming weeks. Common signs are profuse sweating, hysterical maniacal behaviour, missing teeth, inability to use public transport, and a severe involuntary increase in vocal volume. If you start to develop any of these, stay at home and drink beer until symptoms ease.

Latest episode of Lost

Seems some employees got a little bit lost again on their way home last night, turning a simple journey to South London into a bizzare tour of the entire fucking city. At least they made it into work on time(ish).

Well, today is Friday, so I can see it all happening again. Make sure you memorise this world map in case you fall asleep on the African line and wake up in Zimbabwe again.

Cabinet Reshuffle

Looks like the changes are afoot in Company X. Management are moving upstairs, whilst 2 departments that were once tied very closely together are being moved to separate rooms.

All of this seems hauntingly familiar. I'm sure that, back in those dark University days, whilst asleep or playing Tetris on my mobile, my brain actually absorbed something that would become useful in later life. This didn't happen very often.

Now what was it... ah, here it is!



(click for an enlarged view by the way)

Greetings from your new host!

Hello fellow slaves. What a day!

Not only have I been granted a new office space away from the monkey enclosure, I have also been handed over the reigns to the gossip mongering propaganda machine you are reading now.

Yes, I won the Blog Idol competition, judged by Easyman and Dr. Frankenstein. Thanks guys!

I've got a lot to learn - such as who is Bob? And will I ever be able to get away with calling my manager a slightly gay muppet like the last guy did without fear of retribution? Well management team, you could always arrange for more monthly cheddar to come my way if you want me to be kind...

And Finally...

We must say our goodbyes to Velma Dinkley, who departed last week in search of extra scooby snacks.

A good time was had by all down at The Pilchard, we took over the place and made fools of ourselves just like the good old days, especially the Crazy Prime Minister modelling his kinky baloon lingerie.

We'll miss you around here Velma, and good luck solving those mysteries.
Rooby-rooby-doooooooooo!!!

THE READERS WIVES EDITION

Dear ANL,

My husband Jarin loves reading your magazine and sometimes I take a quick peek myself when he is out of the house at work (which doesn't seem to be that often really) as I find the pictures of naked women really turns me on.

Please find enclosed a picture of myself which I know you probably won't publish as you get millions of these letters every week. (ED - yes but you are so sexy that we have published it - I'm sure your husband will be proud.)

My husband says that most of the stories in the ANL are made up or exaggerated; we both enjoy the stories especially the adventures of Bob.

ANL: Well thank you Mrs Jarin and your cheque for $1000 is in the post - yes that's right, if we use your photo you get $1000. And if you think that the stories are made up or exaggerated then here is one that isn't.

CANCER CURED!

Yes it's true - our very own Dr Brains of the patent department is now just moments away from a groundbreaking cure for cancer.

Dr Brains confided in Bob later this week and told him that Company X does not provide him with enough work - therefore in his spare time he is working on a cure for cancer!

Dr Brains - "It is easy - I know what causes cancer, now I just have to find out how to cure it; all these people working on this already are idiots."

Yes this man is so deluded by his own sense of genius that he has clearly gone quite mad. What is surprising is that this man has been allowed to join a dating agency! Good God what sort of agency is it? But what is even more surprising is that Dr Brains has not figured out why he can't get a girlfriend in the first place.

His father was a diplomat and he was sent to the best schools - "so why has my son got no people skills?' his father asked.

The ANL had bagged an interview with the illustrious Dr Brains in the salubrious surroundings to Chateau De Bullshit.

ANL - So Dr Brains how did you get into this crusade for a cure for cancer?

Dr B - Well I used to train astronauts - excuse me for one moment

(Dr Brains - now quickly runs towards the bedroom and comes out wearing his new white eel skin shoes)

Dr B - You are my first guests so I must wear my new white shoes

ANL - Yes and very nice they are too.

Dr B - would you like some Champagne?

ANL - Yes I suppose so

(Dr B now runs off to the kitchen and starts preparing the Champagne)

Dr B - I drink Champagne everyday - and I keep a bottle of non-alcoholic Champagne just in case my good friend Inspector Clouseau comes to my house

ANL - so he never has visited you

Dr B - could you help me move the table, I have just bought some furniture and I cannot move it on my own.

ANL - well yes I suppose so

(We now start lifting this huge piece of glass off a table so Dr Brains can clean it while giving a lecture on the virtues of micro-fibre cloths)

Dr B - now follow me and I will show you the rest of the house.

(The tour begins with the gym and proceeds to the bedroom where I gigantic bed fills the room - adorned with lace and crushed velvet fir for a king)

Dr B - I also keep another bedroom ready just in case any of my family comes to stay

ANL - not much chance of that, is there?!

The interview ends here as the effects of the alcohol kicked in and Dr Brains moved over to his desk to play with himself with the help of the on-line porn chat room.

********

The Importance of being Frank

There has been some talk about the newsletter recently and yes it may go over the top once in a while - but that is the point of it. If you subscribe to the magazine then you have to take your fair share of piss take. Freedom of speech is important - but outright slander is not permitted, this newsletter is extremely careful when it comes to breaking rules - we try to break all of them. You are lucky to live in a society where censorship is at a minimum. One aspect of the ANL is that it focuses on the negative and spreads dissent; all true but again that was the point of it. Does your local newspaper focus only on good news? As an experiment in future editions only good news will be reported.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freedom_of_speech


**********

This week other world news.

Pascua Lama

The Alternative Newsletter goes Green & Gold.

Judge for yourself if you want to take action. In the
Valle de San Felix, the purest water in Chile runs
from 2 rivers, fed by 2 glaciers. Water is a most
precious resource, and wars will be fought for it.
Indigenous farmers use the water, there is no
unemployment, and they provide the second largest
source of income for the area. Under the glaciers has
been found a huge deposit of gold, silver and other
minerals. To get at these, it would be necessary to
break and destroy the glaciers - something never
conceived of in the history of the world - and to make
2 huge holes, each as big as a whole mountain, one for
extraction and one for the mine's rubbish tip.

The project is called PASCUA LAMA. The company is
called Barrick Gold. The operation is planned by a
multi-national company, one of whose members is
George Bush Senior (what a surprise eh?) The Chilean
Government has approved the project to start this
year, 2006. The only reason it hasn't started yet is
because the farmers have got a temporary stay of
execution. If they destroy the glaciers, they will
not just destroy the source of specially pure water,
but they will permanently contaminate the 2 rivers so
they will never again be fit for human or animal
consumption because of the use of cyanide and sulphuric
acid in the extraction process Every last gram of
gold will go abroad to the multinational company and
not one will be left with the people whose land it is.
They will only be left with the poisoned water and the
resulting illnesses.

The farmers have been fighting a long time for their
land, but have been forbidden to make a TV appeal by a
ban from the Ministry of the Interior. Their only
hope now of putting brakes on this project is to get
help from international justice. The world must know
what is happening in Chile. The only place to start
changing the world is from here.

******

The e-mail then continues and asks the readers to forward the e-mail and sign a petition.

For a second opinion you can check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pascua_Lama

There are also some points on there about the effectiveness of campaigning from you desk...on-line petitions etc.

The Alternative Newsletter replies.

This type of thing typifies the greed of big business and I'm afraid that no matter how many petitions are signed, nine times out of ten this type of project will go ahead.

Every part of the earth at one point was pristine and untouched, but we will not stop until every last part of it has been bled of its resources.

I don't know what I can do?

Eco tourism is all the rage now, but I say the best form of eco tourism is not to go at all.

If no one bought gold - then it would be worthless, but I can't see this happening can you?

If no one drove cars, heated their houses, watched TV, travelled further than their local farmers market and only ate food produced locally and in season, we might stand a chance.

Organic is another buzzword that big business is now attempting to control. Everything is being labelled organic making a mockery of what organic produce is all about. They are turning it into a mass produced industry exactly the same as non organic produce; in fact there is not much difference apart from the label. As chemicals, preservatives and mechanization all form part of its "organic" produce?

Money is to blame for all this, and globalization is the key to understanding how we can reverse the process of our rape and pollution of the earth.

I can't see how anything will change unless we become an anti-global economic society.

Self sustainable local communities are the way forward; but it is going to take a lot of sacrifices to go back in time and rely on horsepower again. Even using wonderful inventions like solar panels maybe damaging as you need factories and infrastructure to supply and make the solar panels.

Can we really see a world without electricity, gold mines, war, pop idol, and war?

Did you buy your mother a bouquet of flowers for Mothers Day? Well they are probably doused in dangerous chemical and pesticides picked by children and low paid slaves.

Small token gestures at recycling are all very nice, but it is going to take some seriously unpopular brave measures by the worlds most powerful nations and their respective elected leaders to change anything.

You are on top of the mountain and you can survey the futile war from afar and see that is pointless; but what can you do to stop it?

Nothing: so you go down to the pub and get pissed instead!

LAUGHING LARRY SAVES COMPANY X!

Yes we’ve only gone and done it again, saved by the skin of our teeth. The mechanical team came out with totally crap machine 9 months ago but the revamped version has attracted a buyer and they are off on a world tour as a prize for their hard work. Larry is a space age design machine and Lady-bollocks have just orders zillions of them. Company X stand to make at least $1000 of this deal and that will keep us all going for a while – thank god for that, well done team especially Captain Rodders.

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THE SNIPER IS STALKED WITH THE AID OF SWINGERS!

Now this is complicated so follow closely.
Company X employee Elvis (code name - Sniper1) is being stalked by Company X recruiter (code name - Dangerous Female). Now Elvis used to be a sniper in the US army whose job used to be stalking and killing people (that is top secret information not to be mentioned), but now the tables have been turned and Sniper1 is being chased by the deadliest enemy he has ever faced – shiver me timbers – Dangerous Female!

Elvis has been on a number of missions for Company X and was surprised to keep bumping into his old friend Dangerous Female the Company X employment recruiter. Sniper1 thought nothing of it. Then text messages were being received at rate of 38 in 2 weeks! A bit over the top for just old friends thought Sniper1.

Then the frequency of the accidental meetings intensified as Dangerous Female now flew 3000 miles just too accidentally bump into Sniper1! Mmm – the military training kicked in at this point and Sniper1 realized (US spelling) that something fishy was going on and some questions needed answering!

Sniper1 thought back and it suddenly dawned on him that DF had been following him around the US for years. She had even upped sticks and moved to the same cities to live where Sniper1 had gone. This was not coincidence.

But how did DF know where S1 was going to be while working on secret missions for Company X? S1 had not told anyone of his whereabouts save family friends and Company X employees. Somehow DF was finding out where S1 was going to be.

But what about the swingers you ask yourself? Yes this is where it gets really weird. It turns out that DF and her boyfriend are swingers who happened to meet at a party years ago another swinging couple – Weird Wanker and his girlfriend the Redhead Witch. Weird Wanker now works for Company X, and who got him the job – yep you guessed it, DF the Company X recruiter! Now WW has always wanted to swing with DF but DF was never into the idea as she never liked RW. WW will do anything to get this couple in bed and so he helped out with some personal matters of DF (a divorce) and he was also giving out Company X employee location information at the request of DF. WW didn’t know what she wanted that information for but he didn’t care as long as it helped out with his master-plan of getting DF into bed.

DF meanwhile was only interested in her own master-plan to get Elvis – Sniper1 into bed. With the aid of WW and the location report DF was able to be in the right place at the right time to accidentally bump into S1; even if that meant flying 3000 miles to the other side of the USA! Now that is dedication.

Anyway what’s wrong with a female stalker? – Just use her for sex – the Alternative Newsletter met up with for an interview and she was very sexy; so what’s the problem dude?

We will have and update on this next week.

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Leaking Company X information is the topic of our next topic: The share price. A deal has been announced and the share price went up accordingly but the price was climbing higher before the official announcement and now an investigation is underway to locate the source of information of insider dealing! This is serious and jail-time a real possibility if caught. The problem is a private Company X announcement was made before the official press release, Doh!

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Meanwhile the adventures of Bob….Cary-On climbing. This weekend Bob climbed up a mountain on a cloudy day – half way up the weather changed to bright sunshine which was reflecting off the snow on the mountain top – 13,000ft up. Bob took no sunscreen or hat along on his journey and now has sunburn so bad that it looks like he has been attacked with a blowtorch – ouch. His nose and ears are oozing and weeping with “liquid stuff” and puss. Nice one champ. Bob suffering from sunstroke took a couple of days off, but on his return, the entire company gathered round to look at the marvelous sunburn. “Oh my god”, “fucking hell” and Jesus Christ” were typical reactions. This could now be a good source of income for Company X if we could get bob leased out to a circus freak show before the sunburn heals!

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A message from Skywalker – Dr Frankenstein is named for early retirement – yes he been named as director of everything. His request was lost in translation when he demanded “I want to be a dictator!” like his hero Franco, but this wish was misunderstood and now he is director of the world with time sheets as his only weapon. After an anonymous 2 years as head of whatever he was head of, his ineffective style and lack of balls made him the perfect promotion target as he is seen as no threat to upper management – a yes man – and allegedly a bit gay – the perfect management puppet.

Dr F’s replacement even has his own blog!
Check it out http://alansimes.blogdns.net/cs/Default.aspx

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COMPANY X EMPLOYS BRIAN THE SUPER GEEK!

He doesn’t answer back – works 24 /7 – produces top class code – and doesn’t shag the girls – but can be a bit smelly and spotty.

Yes it’s been a busy week for Company X at the geek festival in Silicon Valley California. On display were some of the world’s most fantastically spotty geeky geeks. The male to female ratio was about 500 to 1; in fact it was so bad that the Microsoft after party had to actually hire 5 girls to attend the geek party where thousands of geeks crowded around a giant X- BOX screen before comparing spots.

Company X had the most pathetic stand at the show – right in the back corner with nothing but a couple of posters to attract attention; which surprisingly worked.

Geek after geek arrived at the stand enquiring about all sorts of bollocks; and most of them were promptly slapped and told to fuck off. But Brian was a special geek and the future model employee of Company X. Senior management are tiring of the “fuck you I wont do what you tell me” attitude of most of the staff, young and old and so the new policy is to move towards a new super geek style employee.

Meanwhile Bob has been at it again as the curse of the volcanic rock strikes back as he loses yet another wallet. This could be some sort of world record – Norris McWorter (is he still alive?) needs to clarify this.

Meanwhile those crazy Italians have decided to buy 50,000 Company X pizza making machines - code named The Tomato Wanker. This has sent the share price rocketing (well it went up about 0.1%). The Tomato Wanker has the highest security level features of any pizza making machine in the world. It doesn’t make very good pizzas yet; well the machine doesn’t actually exist yet, but we are working on that and the security is all in place which is all good news for Company X. Well done team.

Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!

Howling at the Moon - Senile Dementia taking hold within Company X!

A youthful rebellion is on the cards as the older generations within Company X are losing the plot fast. Two good examples of this happened last week.

Situation Number 1

Motor mouth was talking away when one member of staff pointed out a beautiful crescent moon in the clear night sky. The crescent was only just visible as the previous night would have been a new moon and totally black. Motor mouth said “well you should have seen it last night it was a wonderful full moon.” Now we all knew immediately that this would have been impossible according to the current laws of nature and physics and that the statement was complete bollocks! The frightening thing is that when this fact was pointed out to motor mouth he really couldn’t grasp the fact and was trying to think where and when he had seen the full moon? Oh dear call an ambulance!

Situation Number 2

Skywalker while talking to one of the athletic members of staff struck up a conversation about jogging. Skywalker was deluding himself with stories of his athletic prowess in the past when he then suddenly remembered that in fact he was a sprinter and in fact he still sprints everyday to keep fit he said! Where and when this sprinting takes place exactly is something of a mystery but Mrs Skywalker was nodding in agreement – oh yes that’s right. Fucking weird.

Anyway bob has been at it again and the curse of the volcanic rock has been lifted and the lucky twat won $250 not once, not twice but three times in a week on video poker!

The Company X charity event to the karting track ended in disaster when one unnamed idiot driver spun out of control at 120mph and smashed into the crash barrier. The driver suffered no injuries but the car was fucked and Company X will not be invited back again next year.

The bullshit surrounding the HR department turned out to be just that. One unnamed employee cried wolf but got a slap for a false alarm.

And finally the results are out for the Company X sex survey and the statistics show that the Network / IT department think about sex the more than any other department – keeping thinking – it’s the thought that cunts – I mean counts.

Blamestorming

Stars who are interested so far

Company X – The Movie

Staring in order of appearance:

Jacques Chirac

Sharon Stone

Inspector Clouseau

Chris Rock

Zorro

Liam Gallagher

Del Boy

Tom Cruise

Einstein

R2D2

C3PO

Jo Pesci

Robbie Coltrane

Jason Donovan

Emmett Doc Brown

40 Year-old Virgin

Mel Gibson

Inbreds

Spiderman

Games Team comes out with storming new game - PONG!

It’s been in development for three and half years and was due for general release this week, but at the last moment one of the cleaners who was playing the game during a cig break noticed a flaw in the mathematics model! Bollocks!! Was the response from all concerned. It couldn’t be true! The numerically dyslexic team consulted with the mathematically challenged team and found that the cleaner was right. Fuck! How could we have missed such an obvious fuck up? Well because they are all fuckwitts you say to yourself – ah the joy of working with professionals. Let the blamestorming begin. A flowchart is attached to help you get started.

Meanwhile the curse of the Hawaiian volcanic rock strikes again! Yes BOB has been at it again, ever since he stole a rock from the sacred mountain of thingymebobbywhatisit he has been cursed with “bad luck”. An old Hawaiian lady was telling BOB about all the people who have taken a rock from the sacred mountain as a souvenir were sending them back in the post as their lives have been cursed with bad luck ever since. The old lady asked if BOB had taken a rock – no no was the lying cunt’s reply. Well lying about it has just added to the bad luck. But it is funny that all the bad luck incidents have been while he has been pissed out of head – like losing his wallet and then losing the new replacement card within 24hours in a bar – some bloke stealing all his money out of his account.

Meanwhile someone whose name begins with F keeps threatening to leave Company X – well make your mind up – this is top secret information that everyone knows about.

Meanwhile the HR department has been spilling Company X secrets to the mysterious ‘love machine”. This is such top secret information that even the Alternative Newsletter can’t even find out what the secret is that the HR department spilled; but it must be good and their have been rumours of rumours about what it could be……more on this next week.

Meanwhile top secret talks are underway with XXX & Co for the rights to Company X the movie!– during one of the many demonstrations are old friend BOB is prattling on and one of the members of XXX & Co turns to the others and says “geezz, he’s gone into binary mode again”. Company X the movie is now casting for stars – votes on who should play who will be counted and the script sent out ready for filming in the summer! The cast list includes potential characters for staff who are no longer with Company X but whose inclusion is a must for the film.

Two Company X employees caught holding hands at lunchtime in the park – shock!

And no it wasn’t S&M it was two guys. What the fuck!? Yes and even more shocking is the fact that they are not gay! They just like holding hands; Ahhh the wonder of cultural differences. Yes in some cultures holding hands between male friends is perfectly normal! Stop sniggering at the back their….Or so they reckon, it’s not surprising that this cultural idea has not caught on in the west.

And what the fuck is that retard President Bush doing holding hands anyway? Well it is nearly Valentines Day.
Also in the topical news today the Company X cartoonist enters (snigger – you said “enter”) the debate about free speech and religious hypocrisy – Debate

Company X files patent for Copy & Paste Virtual Managers!

A copy & paste virtual manager can fuck things up in double quick time without even existing. If you require your project to be screwed up, just copy and paste your virtual manager from your virtual server to your desktop. The Virtual Manager will instantly instruct you to fuck things up manually. There is a slight bug in the automation process and requires the user to manually help the virtual manager to fuck things up; but this doesn’t matter as the bug is virtual and doesn’t really exist.

Why is the Virtual Manager so effective? Well, real managers just waste time and money with meetings, talking bollocks etc, and actually want paying to do this??? What a waste of time you say to yourself. What is the point when I can get a virtual manager for free which will fuck things up much quicker and has more personality than a real manager. As you own the virtual manager, they can look exactly how you want them too! You can even have virtual sex with your manager and sack them for a newer model when you get bored!

More Resignations at Company X!!!!!!!!!!

While at the same time another executive is hired who will be doing absolutely fuck all. This seems to be the strategy at the moment. Piss off everyone who is hard working until they leave and then replace them with some jerk who will not be doing anything; sounds like a plan for success.

Well what a boring start to the year 2006! But wait for it.

This is the year that Company X will hit the stratosphere and England will win the World Cup in Germany! It is written in the stars. And talking of stars the winner of the 2005 Company X disco dancing championships is…………………….. F for Freddy from Barcelona!

And fuck me, what a routine it was. Freddy dashed to the dance floor as soon as he heard the opening bars of Madonna’s “like a virgin”. He twirled, twisted, jived and grooved like a spastic on acid. By now Freddy had cleared the dance floor, there was only Freddy dancing to Madonna, with the rest of the club looking on with disbelief from the sides. Freddy now sees his own reflection in the mirror and instantly falls in love. He grooves closer and starts kissing himself in the mirror – his hands are wandering all over his own body while flicking his hair and pouting his lips to seduce himself. Touched for the very first time indeed.

He succeeds in seducing himself and is just about to start ripping his own clothes off when it suddenly dawns on Freddy that he is not in his own bedroom dancing in front of his teddy bears, but on the dance floor of the Blue Oyster Bar!

Too late – it’s all been captured on video and will be held for safe keeping for a good blackmailing opportunity in the future.

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What happened in the G Team last week? Did Dick resign or was he pushed? Answers on a postcard please.

Next week we will have an update on the crazy Mexican and the story of Bob running over some guy and then crashing into another car! All in a days work for Accident Man.