RIP: GEORGE BEST

“I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.”

The Worzel Munster Monster

This is a photograph of the new girl in the office!
They are really taking the piss this time.

Meanwhile love is blossoming at Company X between an English guy in the accounts department and an American lady in the HR department of the USA offices. Apparently this has been going on for some time to the point where bobby dazzler has been giving excuses to his wife just so he can spend more time on the phone to his bird!
They met for the fist time this week and we had to laugh as when the dazzler finally got to see the girl of his dreams it was more like a nightmare and she runs over and gives him a big bear hug!

Meanwhile Ron has been at it again, but this time with some Canadian bacon girl. When she asked if he was married or not – he says “No were separated.” She said she knew he was lying because he looked to the right as he said it. As she is a trained customs officer and familiar with lying techniques and signs of lying she spotted this straight away. Apparently if you look to your right as you are answering a question is it likely you are lying as you are using the creative side of your brain!
Everyone including Stavros was surprised to find that he had a creative side of the brain!Well you learn something everyday.

We tried this technique out on several members of the the creative department and found that they either don’t have a right side of the brain or they are all completely honest.

Not content with that he was trying his best to get inside the pants of another girl who is actually married to the gay looking member of the Australian male strip show thunder from down under! But that is another story.

Meanwhile in South America – 2 Company X employees are in a car with their Mafia host driving his expensive BMW. He runs out of petrol on a busy 3 lane road. What does he do? He gets out and walks across the road to KFC, leaving the car in the middle of the road with a q forming behind the car and horns honking! He calls his driver and makes him deliver another car to where he his and transfers the problem of the other car to his driver.
A completely outrageous move, he didn’t even bother to try and get the car off the road in any way just left it there! Completely nuts. Like parking your car in the middle of the M25.

Meanwhile at the London Christmas party – certain members of Company X are going to be forced to dress up as member of thunder from down under, wearing just Santa hats and perform a medley of Frank Sinatra songs. After that it’s a game of name that tune followed by naked pass the parcel. Then the famous Skywalker speech, this year he is going for a world record to try and beat last years 47mins. Top Tip – stand next to the bar.

Some other top secret stories that we do not have time for this week are: The Killer Rabbits, The Dwarf Sex Story, The 21st Birthday party of Kelly Osborne, Who stole the Subway Sandwich? The MSN messenger strip show live from Prague And Leaving doo snogs.

Dont piss off your plastic surgeon! 

Q. How many Company X engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 1

BUT – and it’s a big butt or derriere as they say in France.

There would have to be a secret meeting of upper management first, to discuss an inaction plan. An engineer would be chosen. It’s now up to YOU to get it fixed and pronto.

Random hints like what country the flights should be booked for maybe forthcoming maybe not? The time and date of the proposed install date will be kept secret until the last moment, just to coincide with your mother’s birthday celebration. No name and address of the client will be given to you. No hotel will be booked that is up to you to sort out.

You are eventually escorted by a mysterious driver and armed guard to a building in the middle of nowhere. There in the middle of a gigantic warehouse surrounded by 10 excited client staff holding torches is the offending blown bulb 30ft off the ground.

So where is the spare bulb you enquire?

There are now weeks worth of discussions, e-mails, crisis meetings, blame-storming, more crisis meeting, frantic phone calls, lost fedex packages, flights around the world etc.

Eventually the spare arrives. Only one though. It is the last one in stock and they don’t make that bulb anymore! You carefully open the package – it’s not broken! That’s the first thing that has gone right. You carefully hoist yourself up into the rafters on a homemade wheel and pulley system. You insert the bulb, and climb back down. You now have 30 to 40 very excited client staff waiting around the light switch. You flick the switch – nothing happens. You try again – nothing. You climb back up and inspect the bulb – it’s blown!

More frantic calls, crisis meeting, blame-storming, a few sackings, a few resignations. Why wasn’t it tested? Who tested it? These questions can’t be answered now.

The client is now very upset. We have a new plan – rewire the entire building to fit the bulbs we have in stock! Great Idea! Weeks, months, years pass by. You are expected to file reports everyday on the situation, but everyday is groundhog day.

Eventually the big day arrives. The building has been rewired, 15 Company X staff are now in attendance. You hoist yourself up into the rafters, you insert the bulb, but it doesn’t fit!!

Crisis meetings, new plan, it was a KNOWN ISSUE so that is Ok.

A press announcement states that the great bulb install is going swimmingly well – we have orders for thousands!

And on it goes.

Paris for a holiday? Oui it’s a RIOT!!

Yes typical French management in action. There is a BUM in my room please remove it.
"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!"

News from Yorskhire Extract from the Yorkshire Evening Post:

A drunk who claimed he had been raped by a dog was yesterday jailed for 12 months by a judge. Martin Hoyle, 45, was arrested by police after a passing motorist and his girlfriend found a Staffordshire bull terrier, called Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire. Prosecutor Ben Crosland said the couple had stopped to help because they thought Hoyle was being attacked by the animal. But when they got closer they saw that he had his trousers round his ankles, was down on all fours and the dog was straddling him from behind. "The defendant mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to him," said Mr Crosland. "The couple were extremely offended and sickened by what they saw." Another passing motorist contacted the police and Hoyle was arrested as he walked with the dog down the road. Hoyle, of East view, Marsh, Huddersfield, told police "I can't help it if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me." He repeated the ra pe allegation at the police station and added "The dog pulled my trousers down." Hoyle, who has had a long-standing alcohol problem, was jailed for 12 months after he admitted committing an act which outraged public decency. His barrister said Hoyle had no memory of the incident because of his drunken state, but was now very remorseful and incredibly embarrassed. Jailing him, Judge Alistair McCallum told Hoyle "Never before in my time at the bar or on the bench have I ever had to deal with somebody who voluntarily allowed himself to be buggered by a dog on the public highway. Frankly it is beyond most of our comprehension. It is an absolutely disgusting thing for members of the public to have to witness.

Let this be a lesson to all Company X staff.