RIPPING YARNS - FEAR AND LOATHING IN MEXICO

Two Company X employees go mad in Mexico…the Alternative Newsletter can now reveal the shocking truth of what really happened one summer night in Mexico.

The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Bill & Bob boarded the Mexicoach which takes passengers across the border from the US into Tijuana. They found a hotel and were out on the town ready to party by early afternoon. Tijuana is basically a city which thrives on the influx of tourists, and every resident has some sort of scheme or plan to get every last dollar out of each tourist. This basic lesson in finances was first learnt as the waiter in the restaurant thought it quite normal to try and get your head in an arm-lock while he poured Tequila down your throat while blowing loudly on a whistle. Bill & Bob resisted this charming approach. It became more obvious as the night went on that the whistle is a new and exciting invention in Mexico as everyone has one.

Anyway to cut a long story short they were pissed by 5pm and on the lookout for other substances. This arrived very tightly wrapped in black plastic. They were not exactly sure what is was but they ate it and snorted it anyway. 20 mins later they were defiantly off it.

Bill & Bob then went in search of more recreational substances and this is where the story really gets going.

Bill got some coke of one guy and bob got some crystal meth from another all within the space of 5mins. One enterprising young Mexican said he could help also. We followed him through a warren of badly lit back streets not really sure if we were going to be mugged murdered or what. We followed him into a small house and up some rickety steep stairs to a rooftop that looked like a bombsite. In the corner was tiny room where on guy was smoking dope, we bought some weed and had a smoke on the rooftop while talking about football. We offered them some coke and they took it but they actually thought we were drug barons from Europe looking for large supply chains.

Our friend guided us back down the stairs and out into the dark streets. One guy on the street was ready to mug us but our friend told him to f off, all in Spanish of coarse. By now Bill & Bob we truly mashed and they found themselves in a brothel armed with loads of drugs. They nipped off to the toilets to snort more and the security caught them, a $20 fine each and a snort for one of their mates sorted that out.

They bought some drinks and then came the swarm of hookers, Bill & Bob resisted for 10 mins but then they both decided to go for it. Bob went left, Bill went right. Bill as he was counting his cash realised he was $20 short, he had to find Bob to borrow some cash. He found Bob stripped to the waist with pants halfway down with some hooker about to do what hookers do. Bill then ran back to the other side of the brothel to pay for his hooker who promptly took him to a corner of the room which had nothing but a couch with an open view onto the rest of the room with a crowd watching the pole dancers. She stripped Bill and was about to do what hookers do, but with out a condom. Bill insisted that she get a condom and she walked off to find one. So Bill finds himself standing stark naked in a club with a hard-on. The hooker came back with two friends to discuss the condom situation which was now going to cost $10. More snorts of coke with hooker and friend and Bill got down to it, but halfway through the romantic proceedings another loving couple dived on the couch next to Bill and started banging away! Bob had a similar experience in his “room”. A job well done Bill & Bob go in search of more orthodox entertainment.

They ask a taxi driver to take them to see some live music. The taxi driver took them to some local haunt which had a great band and the drink prices were not tourist prices. Bill & Bob continued to snort the crystal meth and watch the band; this is where is gets really silly. By now it was about 3am. Bill & Bob decided to go and f*** more hookers. They went off in search of a cash machine and got $200 each to add to what they already had. They then went back into the main part of town and were befriended by some local “guide”. Bob decided that he wanted to try shagging this time on Viagra which was readily available in the drug stores. Bill explained this to the guide and he took them to a local drug store that was open. Bill asked the assistant for 2 viagra and paid up. Bill then turns to Bob who is lurking around the other side of the store and shouts to him “eh Bob here’s your Viagra pill” Bob was not best pleased as Bill placed it in his has as this was deemed embarrassing.

20 mins later now loaded up with Viagra, coke, weed, alcohol and deadly crystal meth, our guide was trying to lure us into one of “his” brothels. Bear in mind that these “guides” expect payment for just walking next to you. Bill & Bob had had enough of this guy and refused to walk any further and the guide was getting all upset. Bill then decided to roll a joint. Just as he had lit up a cop car with lights flashing, stopped next to Bill & Bob. That was it – game over – arrested on the street hands on the bonnet – empty the pockets to find all our recreational substances. A crowd gathers and we are put into the back of the cop car. As Bill & Bob were now so mashed and it seemed be like a surreal fun experience as they were drove off down the road in the back seat of a Mexican cop car. The cops said we were now going to spend 3 nights in Jail and then we would be sentenced or fined. They asked us various questions – took our ID etc. This is when the gravity of the situation hit home. Fined – “how much?” Bill enquired. “How much do you have on you?” said the copper. This is when we knew that we were probably going to get away with a bribe. They handed over all the money they had, which was about $600 between them. The police car then stopped at another situation where there were another 3 or 4 police cars. Bill & Bob then thought that they had been not only been arrested for possession of narcotics but were now also going to be charged with bribery!

This turned out not to be the case – the police came back to the car and then asked them where they were staying. They told them the name of the hotel and they drove them back to the hotel! As they got out he offered both of them some advice. “Next time you come to Mexico – don’t do drugs!” Bill & Bob nodded with approval at the suggestion and wandered into the lobby of the hotel.

Needless to say Bill & Bob had the worst hangovers imaginable and had spent an absolute fortune. They had plenty of time to contemplate all this this as they waited in the mile long Q to get back into the US. And the moral of the story is – just say NO.