One member of Company X seems to think that wearing big flowery gay shirts and jodhpurs to work is OK. It isn’t, stop it. This is gross misconduct and will be punished by sending the person to Millwall on a match-day to fix a machine wearing a Chelsea shirt.

Yet another Company X, ex employee (BE) was spotted by several of our spies returning to HQ to receive a pay off. It seems the only way to make any money out of Company X is too leave and collect the hush money.

Large amounts of shares seem to be filtering through the system at extremely low prices. These are for the new directors and friends of Company X.

Quote of the week from Hollywood.

USA woman to very posh UK man Mr N - "were any of your friends hurt by the bombs in London?"

Mr N - "no I don't think so darling, my friends don't take public transport."

More resignations from Company X were handed in today. One of whom was just using the company as a stop gap while his other job application went through. He obviously didn’t mention this in the interview. Nice one.
There does seem to be a problem with retaining new recruits which is not surprising really, as they soon realise that they have joined the Fawlty Towers of the industry with a management of Muppets.

Animal Magic / carry on camping.

One unnamed member of company X (Bob spelled M-A-R-K) went missing for 5 hours last weekend. Pissed out of his head he decided to walk back from the pub to the campsite. Oh dear bob who can even get lost during the day time while carrying a GPS system had no chance in the desert at night, with nothing but a belly full of beer to help out.

Wandering around aimlessly, bob gave up for a while and just stared at the stars. The coyotes started howling and bob in his pissed state thought it would be good fun to howl back…wrong. The coyotes got ever more excited and started howling and congregated in a pack and were getting closer to bob all the time, bob still howling thinking it was great…I can talk to the animal kind of thing…but then he could see in the dark lots of shadows and shapes…the bloody dogs had caught up with him. He shit himself and hid behind a cactus; fell in a ditch and cut himself to ribbons. This brought his senses back and sobered him up, eventually shaking off the dogs and getting back to base camp shortly before dawn; just before the missing persons file was opened.

US quote of the week

Q – couple to the pub singer at a hotel, “are the German couple here tonight?”

A – pub singer “no those two are English – those guys are with us in Iran”

Company X turned into a graph watching party today as the company at long last floated. Only 10 times below the much hyped and exaggerated figure Mr Skywalker had often quoted in the past but still it’s something of an achievement and must be applauded; considering the bizarre way the company is run, it’s a minor miracle.

Yet again we learn more from the press than we do from internal sources, the internal press release being delayed yet again due to boys being able to read blues and greens! No joke. The color / colour scheme must be changed. Mind you the internal press release only announces births, deaths and marriages nothing to do with work related matters at all.

The press failed to mention several key staff members at all, Albert & Shaz as examples, and who the fuck are all these highly paid NASA directors we seem to have acquired? Bunch of space cadets.

"We shall defend our island whatever the cost may be; we shall fight on beaches, landing grounds, in fields, in streets and on the hills. We shall never surrender and even if, which I do not for the moment believe, this island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, will carry on the struggle until in God's good time the New World with all its power and might, sets forth to the liberation and rescue of the Old."

Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events.

The British nation is unique in this respect. They are the only people who like to be told how bad things are, who like to be told the worst.

Churchill

There’s a hurricane on the way toward Pirate Inc. Just when they thought it couldn’t get any worse!

French lose the Olympics bid – well we had to laugh. Yes you Chirac - I spit on your mothers cooking.

Company X has a new employee manual. Well what a fucking joke this is. From now on you cannot make sarcastic remarks in the work place!? This is an attack on the entire sense of humour of the country. “Nice haircut John” would now be considered harassment.

4th of July celebrations got off to a good start but were soon closed down by swarms of police.
Well behaved nice parties were considered out of control and shut down.

This was achieved by sending a team of police to swarm the building with a helicopter circling above. So over the top it was unbelievable.
This is Independence Day in the land of the free and the brave! Complete bullshit. Instead of saying on the notes “in God we trust” it should say “God help us”.

(The USA police would shit themselves if it was anything like the Notting Hill carnival or Glastonbury - Team America would be sent in the blow the lot up.)

Next on to a bar. Some guy falls asleep at the bar, a bit too pissed and so they shut the bar down at 8pm! We ask why and are told “you don’t understand things can get really of control here.” fuck me what a joke. One guy in the bar was saying with tears in his eyes “4th of July – the greatest county” when I explained that you couldn’t even get a drink at the bar he just replied “4th of July” overcome with patriotic pride.

Next on to another bar, where two pissed white supremacist skinheads (one who looked suspiciously tanned) are showing off their tattoos saying “White by the grace of God”. The bar security who seem very pissed off they have not been included in Team America decided to pretend that the Bar was in fact Iraq and the stairs were mission critical. They would practically deck anyone lingering for more than a second on the 3 steps connecting the upper bar to the lower. The offending customer would be treated as a POW and ordered to move. We have to walk out; this place is full of dangerous nutters.

Two new directors will join Fawlty Towers subsidiary Company X, and will they both get paid a bloody fortune for doing absolutely nothing.

One of them is listed in the CIA 1996 handbook. The other; Mr Lamb is a friend of a friend, nod nod wink wink.

Extra holidays are on the agenda. We get the minimum, what we are calling for is 6 days extra + 1 day for each year of service to a max of 30 days, plus a staff bonus of $2000 each, every Christmas; because your worth it.

Sex sells!

There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to have a naked girl in the newsletter but what the fuck. A new Company X policy will come into force as in August. From that point on, all hired programmers must be female and will also have to pass a strict quality control process. There is a power struggle to win the rights to interviews.

PS> Any comments mentioning real names will be removed.

Company X has a new partnership with Pirate Inc, a splendid ship docked at a secret location in the Caribbean. The authorities were not too pleased with the dodgy practices of this USA listed ship and refused to let it sail.

The Owners of Pirate Inc had a cunning plan – register the ship under another country; that way the authorities of USA could not touch it. With that done, the authorities had a cunning plan of their own. They failed the motley crew, which the owners of Pirate Inc had forgotten also needed to pass certain competence requirements before the ship would be allowed to sail.

Another brilliant plan is awaited.

Employee of the month award - Well done MJ.

This is the secret location for the secret party that will be taking place very soonish.

At the party, Mr Skywalker the owner of Company X will make yet another legendary long speech. Mrs Skywalker will be by his side to help with prompts etc; reminiscent of Ronald and Nancy Reagan in their prime.

This will take place when Mr and Mrs Skywalker take a break from spending all their $$$$$$$$$$.

The float set for the 4th July has now been put back a week, maybe more.

A recent Company X project managers party at the Vatican.

They had gone to meet Pope John Paul II, not realising that he had died recently. A small mistake which was blamed on a lack of communication amongst staff that had recently left or been fired. A new internal procedures document and a few thousand meetings will sort that out.

They then met with the new nazi pope with the kind eyes and were praying that someone somewhere would give them some more money to pour down the drain.

Chief bull-shitter Mr T was then sent out on a mission to Las Vegas to convince Mega Bucks Industries that they should buy into Company X. His Vision has paid off.

Bingo - Mega Bucks Industries the mysterious secret buyer of Company X has just proudly announced their new $15 million purchase.

Not surprisingly, Company X management has not said a word about this to its own employees. We all look forward to the technicolour newsletter and e-mail message from ****-*****.

Hi corporate chums!

History & Mission Statement: The Alternative Newsletter was first published via e-mail in the summer of 2002 to a total readership of 19.The secretive senior management of Company X had been threatening to distribute a real newsletter to staff for eons, when this never materialised, one staff member decided to write their own newsletter, this became an instant overnight smash hit; despite the author being half dyslexic.

More newsletters were published and the staff of Company X began to regard them as the only way to find out exactly what was really going on within the secretive world of bizarre Company X; well almost. You see the thing is Company X was a tin pot company making no money for themselves but was making $Billions for their clients.

How this came about was through the unrivalled success of the company products, whilst at the same time being run by a senior management team that couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery, and then some.

The staff in turn had no one to manage them. Staff would come and go as they pleased and half of them never turned up or were continually away on jolly business trips.

Clients meanwhile were making more money than they had sense and an industry turned its head to find out why. This only further fed the ego of the management team who then started to believe they could do no wrong. This in turn left the employees even more isolated and their strange behaviour also began to scale new heights which were all documented in the alternative newsletter.

Looking back at that newsletter now; it contains enough libellous material to get the whole $billion industry in court.

With the brave new world of blogs we can now explore what is really happening in the bizarre and secretive world of Company X. If you are reading this your life maybe in danger! Be careful it’s hell out there.

The names have been changed to protect the guilty.