Blamestorming

Stars who are interested so far

Company X – The Movie

Staring in order of appearance:

Jacques Chirac

Sharon Stone

Inspector Clouseau

Chris Rock

Zorro

Liam Gallagher

Del Boy

Tom Cruise

Einstein

R2D2

C3PO

Jo Pesci

Robbie Coltrane

Jason Donovan

Emmett Doc Brown

40 Year-old Virgin

Mel Gibson

Inbreds

Spiderman

Games Team comes out with storming new game - PONG!

It’s been in development for three and half years and was due for general release this week, but at the last moment one of the cleaners who was playing the game during a cig break noticed a flaw in the mathematics model! Bollocks!! Was the response from all concerned. It couldn’t be true! The numerically dyslexic team consulted with the mathematically challenged team and found that the cleaner was right. Fuck! How could we have missed such an obvious fuck up? Well because they are all fuckwitts you say to yourself – ah the joy of working with professionals. Let the blamestorming begin. A flowchart is attached to help you get started.

Meanwhile the curse of the Hawaiian volcanic rock strikes again! Yes BOB has been at it again, ever since he stole a rock from the sacred mountain of thingymebobbywhatisit he has been cursed with “bad luck”. An old Hawaiian lady was telling BOB about all the people who have taken a rock from the sacred mountain as a souvenir were sending them back in the post as their lives have been cursed with bad luck ever since. The old lady asked if BOB had taken a rock – no no was the lying cunt’s reply. Well lying about it has just added to the bad luck. But it is funny that all the bad luck incidents have been while he has been pissed out of head – like losing his wallet and then losing the new replacement card within 24hours in a bar – some bloke stealing all his money out of his account.

Meanwhile someone whose name begins with F keeps threatening to leave Company X – well make your mind up – this is top secret information that everyone knows about.

Meanwhile the HR department has been spilling Company X secrets to the mysterious ‘love machine”. This is such top secret information that even the Alternative Newsletter can’t even find out what the secret is that the HR department spilled; but it must be good and their have been rumours of rumours about what it could be……more on this next week.

Meanwhile top secret talks are underway with XXX & Co for the rights to Company X the movie!– during one of the many demonstrations are old friend BOB is prattling on and one of the members of XXX & Co turns to the others and says “geezz, he’s gone into binary mode again”. Company X the movie is now casting for stars – votes on who should play who will be counted and the script sent out ready for filming in the summer! The cast list includes potential characters for staff who are no longer with Company X but whose inclusion is a must for the film.

Two Company X employees caught holding hands at lunchtime in the park – shock!

And no it wasn’t S&M it was two guys. What the fuck!? Yes and even more shocking is the fact that they are not gay! They just like holding hands; Ahhh the wonder of cultural differences. Yes in some cultures holding hands between male friends is perfectly normal! Stop sniggering at the back their….Or so they reckon, it’s not surprising that this cultural idea has not caught on in the west.

And what the fuck is that retard President Bush doing holding hands anyway? Well it is nearly Valentines Day.
Also in the topical news today the Company X cartoonist enters (snigger – you said “enter”) the debate about free speech and religious hypocrisy – Debate

Company X files patent for Copy & Paste Virtual Managers!

A copy & paste virtual manager can fuck things up in double quick time without even existing. If you require your project to be screwed up, just copy and paste your virtual manager from your virtual server to your desktop. The Virtual Manager will instantly instruct you to fuck things up manually. There is a slight bug in the automation process and requires the user to manually help the virtual manager to fuck things up; but this doesn’t matter as the bug is virtual and doesn’t really exist.

Why is the Virtual Manager so effective? Well, real managers just waste time and money with meetings, talking bollocks etc, and actually want paying to do this??? What a waste of time you say to yourself. What is the point when I can get a virtual manager for free which will fuck things up much quicker and has more personality than a real manager. As you own the virtual manager, they can look exactly how you want them too! You can even have virtual sex with your manager and sack them for a newer model when you get bored!

More Resignations at Company X!!!!!!!!!!

While at the same time another executive is hired who will be doing absolutely fuck all. This seems to be the strategy at the moment. Piss off everyone who is hard working until they leave and then replace them with some jerk who will not be doing anything; sounds like a plan for success.

Well what a boring start to the year 2006! But wait for it.

This is the year that Company X will hit the stratosphere and England will win the World Cup in Germany! It is written in the stars. And talking of stars the winner of the 2005 Company X disco dancing championships is…………………….. F for Freddy from Barcelona!

And fuck me, what a routine it was. Freddy dashed to the dance floor as soon as he heard the opening bars of Madonna’s “like a virgin”. He twirled, twisted, jived and grooved like a spastic on acid. By now Freddy had cleared the dance floor, there was only Freddy dancing to Madonna, with the rest of the club looking on with disbelief from the sides. Freddy now sees his own reflection in the mirror and instantly falls in love. He grooves closer and starts kissing himself in the mirror – his hands are wandering all over his own body while flicking his hair and pouting his lips to seduce himself. Touched for the very first time indeed.

He succeeds in seducing himself and is just about to start ripping his own clothes off when it suddenly dawns on Freddy that he is not in his own bedroom dancing in front of his teddy bears, but on the dance floor of the Blue Oyster Bar!

Too late – it’s all been captured on video and will be held for safe keeping for a good blackmailing opportunity in the future.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

What happened in the G Team last week? Did Dick resign or was he pushed? Answers on a postcard please.

Next week we will have an update on the crazy Mexican and the story of Bob running over some guy and then crashing into another car! All in a days work for Accident Man.

Let go of the fucking firework!

Yes we have a winner for this year’s most stupid incident. Windy M of the art department was attempting to let off a rocket from window at a party and for some strange reason windy didn’t want to let go of the rocket which carried on regardless and did what rockets do!

An eye witness to the incident describes the brilliant moment.

“The daft fucker just wouldn’t let go of it! He nearly burnt the fucking house down!

And interview with windy was declined due to first degree burns still smarting. The nearest hospital also refused to treat windy due to the patient being so stupid. Nice One.


Merry Saturnalia! $50,000 Bonus Each!

In Rome, where winters were not as harsh as those in the far north, Saturnalia a holiday in honor of Saturn, the god of agriculture was celebrated. Beginning in the week leading up to the winter solstice and continuing for a full month, Saturnalia was a hedonistic time, when food and drink were plentiful and the normal Roman social order was turned upside down. For a month, slaves would become masters. Peasants were in command of the city. Business and schools were closed so that everyone could join in the fun.
Also around the time of the winter solstice, Romans observed Juvenilia, a feast honoring the children of Rome. In addition, members of the upper classes often celebrated the birthday of Mithra, the god of the unconquerable sun, on December 25. It was believed that Mithra, an infant god, was born of a rock. For some Romans, Mithra's birthday was the most sacred day of the year.

Well that’s enough of the history lesson – This year has been such a spectacular success for Company X and you will all be receiving a $50,000 Bonus in your Christmas paycheck. It’s not much I know but it’s a small token gesture of appreciation from the bigwigs.

Well what a wonderful year it has been for all concerned, I can’t really think of jollier times, but wait . . .2006 is shaping up to be an even more spectacular year! Company cars, free holidays / inspirational trips, extra bonuses, wage rises, new cool logo, free hookers, tax dodge incentives, company credit card expense accounts for all, new offices; the list goes on and on, wonderful stuff.

Now there has been some debate recently as to whether time sheets are “gay” or not? Well firstly I think an apology is appropriate as our gay readers are offended by the terminology and quite rightly too. Time sheets are certainly not gay and should not be referred to as such in Company X at any time. Crap, shit and wank are more suitable choices when referring to time sheets.

Sadly this year has also seen 2 Company X client deaths. Both of these occurred within days of having a long meeting with Company X and I think we can all understand that they were literally bored to death.

This years Christmas song is a really an inspirational piece from the classic Smiths album “The Queen is Dead” – sing along everybody! It doesn’t get much better than this.

I Know It's Over

Lyrics by Stephen Morrissey
Music by Johnny Marr

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed
Oh well. Enough said.
I know it’s over - still I cling
I don’t know where else I can go
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
See, the sea wants to take me
The knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me?
Sad veiled bride, please be happy
Handsome groom, give her room
Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly
Though she needs you
More than she loves you
And I know it’s over - still I cling
I don’t know where else I can go
Over and over and over and over
I know it’s over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
And you even spoke to me, and said:
”If you’re so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight?
And if you’re so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight?
If you’re so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight?
If you’re so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight?
I know...
’Cause tonight is just like any other night
That’s why you’re on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they’re in each other’s arms...”
It’s so easy to laugh
It’s so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind
Over, over, over, over
It’s so easy to laugh
It’s so easy to hate
It takes guts to be gentle and kind
Over, over
Love is Natural and Real
But not for you, my love
Not tonight, my love
Love is Natural and Real
But not for such as you and I, my love

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head.....

The Time Sheet Strike!

Fucking stupid time sheets are back and this time it’s war. The waste of time sheets are a load of shit and deserve a company wide boycott. Just say NO.
They don’t help, they are not a requirement for ALL employees and shareholders do not need them. If your boss doesn’t know what you are doing then he or she is not your boss.
We all left school a long time ago and we do not need micro monitoring.
In fact if anyone needs to be doing time sheets its upper management as they do fuck all anyway. But the employees know this already. Time sheets are gay and they can stick them up their fucking arses!

RIP: GEORGE BEST

“I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.”

The Worzel Munster Monster

This is a photograph of the new girl in the office!
They are really taking the piss this time.

Meanwhile love is blossoming at Company X between an English guy in the accounts department and an American lady in the HR department of the USA offices. Apparently this has been going on for some time to the point where bobby dazzler has been giving excuses to his wife just so he can spend more time on the phone to his bird!
They met for the fist time this week and we had to laugh as when the dazzler finally got to see the girl of his dreams it was more like a nightmare and she runs over and gives him a big bear hug!

Meanwhile Ron has been at it again, but this time with some Canadian bacon girl. When she asked if he was married or not – he says “No were separated.” She said she knew he was lying because he looked to the right as he said it. As she is a trained customs officer and familiar with lying techniques and signs of lying she spotted this straight away. Apparently if you look to your right as you are answering a question is it likely you are lying as you are using the creative side of your brain!
Everyone including Stavros was surprised to find that he had a creative side of the brain!Well you learn something everyday.

We tried this technique out on several members of the the creative department and found that they either don’t have a right side of the brain or they are all completely honest.

Not content with that he was trying his best to get inside the pants of another girl who is actually married to the gay looking member of the Australian male strip show thunder from down under! But that is another story.

Meanwhile in South America – 2 Company X employees are in a car with their Mafia host driving his expensive BMW. He runs out of petrol on a busy 3 lane road. What does he do? He gets out and walks across the road to KFC, leaving the car in the middle of the road with a q forming behind the car and horns honking! He calls his driver and makes him deliver another car to where he his and transfers the problem of the other car to his driver.
A completely outrageous move, he didn’t even bother to try and get the car off the road in any way just left it there! Completely nuts. Like parking your car in the middle of the M25.

Meanwhile at the London Christmas party – certain members of Company X are going to be forced to dress up as member of thunder from down under, wearing just Santa hats and perform a medley of Frank Sinatra songs. After that it’s a game of name that tune followed by naked pass the parcel. Then the famous Skywalker speech, this year he is going for a world record to try and beat last years 47mins. Top Tip – stand next to the bar.

Some other top secret stories that we do not have time for this week are: The Killer Rabbits, The Dwarf Sex Story, The 21st Birthday party of Kelly Osborne, Who stole the Subway Sandwich? The MSN messenger strip show live from Prague And Leaving doo snogs.

Dont piss off your plastic surgeon! 

Q. How many Company X engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 1

BUT – and it’s a big butt or derriere as they say in France.

There would have to be a secret meeting of upper management first, to discuss an inaction plan. An engineer would be chosen. It’s now up to YOU to get it fixed and pronto.

Random hints like what country the flights should be booked for maybe forthcoming maybe not? The time and date of the proposed install date will be kept secret until the last moment, just to coincide with your mother’s birthday celebration. No name and address of the client will be given to you. No hotel will be booked that is up to you to sort out.

You are eventually escorted by a mysterious driver and armed guard to a building in the middle of nowhere. There in the middle of a gigantic warehouse surrounded by 10 excited client staff holding torches is the offending blown bulb 30ft off the ground.

So where is the spare bulb you enquire?

There are now weeks worth of discussions, e-mails, crisis meetings, blame-storming, more crisis meeting, frantic phone calls, lost fedex packages, flights around the world etc.

Eventually the spare arrives. Only one though. It is the last one in stock and they don’t make that bulb anymore! You carefully open the package – it’s not broken! That’s the first thing that has gone right. You carefully hoist yourself up into the rafters on a homemade wheel and pulley system. You insert the bulb, and climb back down. You now have 30 to 40 very excited client staff waiting around the light switch. You flick the switch – nothing happens. You try again – nothing. You climb back up and inspect the bulb – it’s blown!

More frantic calls, crisis meeting, blame-storming, a few sackings, a few resignations. Why wasn’t it tested? Who tested it? These questions can’t be answered now.

The client is now very upset. We have a new plan – rewire the entire building to fit the bulbs we have in stock! Great Idea! Weeks, months, years pass by. You are expected to file reports everyday on the situation, but everyday is groundhog day.

Eventually the big day arrives. The building has been rewired, 15 Company X staff are now in attendance. You hoist yourself up into the rafters, you insert the bulb, but it doesn’t fit!!

Crisis meetings, new plan, it was a KNOWN ISSUE so that is Ok.

A press announcement states that the great bulb install is going swimmingly well – we have orders for thousands!

And on it goes.

Paris for a holiday? Oui it’s a RIOT!!

Yes typical French management in action. There is a BUM in my room please remove it.
"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!"

News from Yorskhire Extract from the Yorkshire Evening Post:

A drunk who claimed he had been raped by a dog was yesterday jailed for 12 months by a judge. Martin Hoyle, 45, was arrested by police after a passing motorist and his girlfriend found a Staffordshire bull terrier, called Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire. Prosecutor Ben Crosland said the couple had stopped to help because they thought Hoyle was being attacked by the animal. But when they got closer they saw that he had his trousers round his ankles, was down on all fours and the dog was straddling him from behind. "The defendant mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to him," said Mr Crosland. "The couple were extremely offended and sickened by what they saw." Another passing motorist contacted the police and Hoyle was arrested as he walked with the dog down the road. Hoyle, of East view, Marsh, Huddersfield, told police "I can't help it if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me." He repeated the ra pe allegation at the police station and added "The dog pulled my trousers down." Hoyle, who has had a long-standing alcohol problem, was jailed for 12 months after he admitted committing an act which outraged public decency. His barrister said Hoyle had no memory of the incident because of his drunken state, but was now very remorseful and incredibly embarrassed. Jailing him, Judge Alistair McCallum told Hoyle "Never before in my time at the bar or on the bench have I ever had to deal with somebody who voluntarily allowed himself to be buggered by a dog on the public highway. Frankly it is beyond most of our comprehension. It is an absolutely disgusting thing for members of the public to have to witness.

Let this be a lesson to all Company X staff.

FREEDOM LIES not FREEDOM FRIES!

GAYBAR CHOSEN FOR THE COMPANY X CHRISTMAS PARTY!

Yes the big-wigs have outdone themselves this year with the tremendous choice of the Rainbow Gay Bar as the location for the 2005 office Christmas party. Most members of staff who are comfortable with their own sexuality have no problems with this choice, but it has ruffled a few feathers with a small minority of homophobic gay-bashing staff.

http://www.rathergood.com/gaybar/

Other news this week – contract delays south of the equator have occurred yet again due to the fact that the mafia are fighting amongst themselves for the right to control the dealings with Company X through a third party. No details can be given in print at this time due to a special on-going investigation into a CIA leak. A memo was sent to all staff some time ago concerning toilet checks. It seems that some staff has forgotten this important advice. Please check the toilets.

. 

It’s goodbye to Dr P (Prince of Darkness) and Mrs H this week.

Remarkably they were not marched off the premises of Company X as soon as they handed in their notices and have had to grin and bear it for a while longer; but the wait is now over. Dr P is off to start a family and is hanging up his boots to become a house husband – very rock n roll.
Mrs H is moving to a new job to be closer to her husband so they can spend more time together – ahh bless, very romantic.

The Alternative Newsletter wishes you both all the best, but don’t expect a word of thanks for your efforts from the management of Company X.