RIP: GEORGE BEST

“I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.”

The Worzel Munster Monster

This is a photograph of the new girl in the office!
They are really taking the piss this time.

Meanwhile love is blossoming at Company X between an English guy in the accounts department and an American lady in the HR department of the USA offices. Apparently this has been going on for some time to the point where bobby dazzler has been giving excuses to his wife just so he can spend more time on the phone to his bird!
They met for the fist time this week and we had to laugh as when the dazzler finally got to see the girl of his dreams it was more like a nightmare and she runs over and gives him a big bear hug!

Meanwhile Ron has been at it again, but this time with some Canadian bacon girl. When she asked if he was married or not – he says “No were separated.” She said she knew he was lying because he looked to the right as he said it. As she is a trained customs officer and familiar with lying techniques and signs of lying she spotted this straight away. Apparently if you look to your right as you are answering a question is it likely you are lying as you are using the creative side of your brain!
Everyone including Stavros was surprised to find that he had a creative side of the brain!Well you learn something everyday.

We tried this technique out on several members of the the creative department and found that they either don’t have a right side of the brain or they are all completely honest.

Not content with that he was trying his best to get inside the pants of another girl who is actually married to the gay looking member of the Australian male strip show thunder from down under! But that is another story.

Meanwhile in South America – 2 Company X employees are in a car with their Mafia host driving his expensive BMW. He runs out of petrol on a busy 3 lane road. What does he do? He gets out and walks across the road to KFC, leaving the car in the middle of the road with a q forming behind the car and horns honking! He calls his driver and makes him deliver another car to where he his and transfers the problem of the other car to his driver.
A completely outrageous move, he didn’t even bother to try and get the car off the road in any way just left it there! Completely nuts. Like parking your car in the middle of the M25.

Meanwhile at the London Christmas party – certain members of Company X are going to be forced to dress up as member of thunder from down under, wearing just Santa hats and perform a medley of Frank Sinatra songs. After that it’s a game of name that tune followed by naked pass the parcel. Then the famous Skywalker speech, this year he is going for a world record to try and beat last years 47mins. Top Tip – stand next to the bar.

Some other top secret stories that we do not have time for this week are: The Killer Rabbits, The Dwarf Sex Story, The 21st Birthday party of Kelly Osborne, Who stole the Subway Sandwich? The MSN messenger strip show live from Prague And Leaving doo snogs.

Dont piss off your plastic surgeon! 

Q. How many Company X engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 1

BUT – and it’s a big butt or derriere as they say in France.

There would have to be a secret meeting of upper management first, to discuss an inaction plan. An engineer would be chosen. It’s now up to YOU to get it fixed and pronto.

Random hints like what country the flights should be booked for maybe forthcoming maybe not? The time and date of the proposed install date will be kept secret until the last moment, just to coincide with your mother’s birthday celebration. No name and address of the client will be given to you. No hotel will be booked that is up to you to sort out.

You are eventually escorted by a mysterious driver and armed guard to a building in the middle of nowhere. There in the middle of a gigantic warehouse surrounded by 10 excited client staff holding torches is the offending blown bulb 30ft off the ground.

So where is the spare bulb you enquire?

There are now weeks worth of discussions, e-mails, crisis meetings, blame-storming, more crisis meeting, frantic phone calls, lost fedex packages, flights around the world etc.

Eventually the spare arrives. Only one though. It is the last one in stock and they don’t make that bulb anymore! You carefully open the package – it’s not broken! That’s the first thing that has gone right. You carefully hoist yourself up into the rafters on a homemade wheel and pulley system. You insert the bulb, and climb back down. You now have 30 to 40 very excited client staff waiting around the light switch. You flick the switch – nothing happens. You try again – nothing. You climb back up and inspect the bulb – it’s blown!

More frantic calls, crisis meeting, blame-storming, a few sackings, a few resignations. Why wasn’t it tested? Who tested it? These questions can’t be answered now.

The client is now very upset. We have a new plan – rewire the entire building to fit the bulbs we have in stock! Great Idea! Weeks, months, years pass by. You are expected to file reports everyday on the situation, but everyday is groundhog day.

Eventually the big day arrives. The building has been rewired, 15 Company X staff are now in attendance. You hoist yourself up into the rafters, you insert the bulb, but it doesn’t fit!!

Crisis meetings, new plan, it was a KNOWN ISSUE so that is Ok.

A press announcement states that the great bulb install is going swimmingly well – we have orders for thousands!

And on it goes.

Paris for a holiday? Oui it’s a RIOT!!

Yes typical French management in action. There is a BUM in my room please remove it.
"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!"

News from Yorskhire Extract from the Yorkshire Evening Post:

A drunk who claimed he had been raped by a dog was yesterday jailed for 12 months by a judge. Martin Hoyle, 45, was arrested by police after a passing motorist and his girlfriend found a Staffordshire bull terrier, called Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire. Prosecutor Ben Crosland said the couple had stopped to help because they thought Hoyle was being attacked by the animal. But when they got closer they saw that he had his trousers round his ankles, was down on all fours and the dog was straddling him from behind. "The defendant mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to him," said Mr Crosland. "The couple were extremely offended and sickened by what they saw." Another passing motorist contacted the police and Hoyle was arrested as he walked with the dog down the road. Hoyle, of East view, Marsh, Huddersfield, told police "I can't help it if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me." He repeated the ra pe allegation at the police station and added "The dog pulled my trousers down." Hoyle, who has had a long-standing alcohol problem, was jailed for 12 months after he admitted committing an act which outraged public decency. His barrister said Hoyle had no memory of the incident because of his drunken state, but was now very remorseful and incredibly embarrassed. Jailing him, Judge Alistair McCallum told Hoyle "Never before in my time at the bar or on the bench have I ever had to deal with somebody who voluntarily allowed himself to be buggered by a dog on the public highway. Frankly it is beyond most of our comprehension. It is an absolutely disgusting thing for members of the public to have to witness.

Let this be a lesson to all Company X staff.

FREEDOM LIES not FREEDOM FRIES!

GAYBAR CHOSEN FOR THE COMPANY X CHRISTMAS PARTY!

Yes the big-wigs have outdone themselves this year with the tremendous choice of the Rainbow Gay Bar as the location for the 2005 office Christmas party. Most members of staff who are comfortable with their own sexuality have no problems with this choice, but it has ruffled a few feathers with a small minority of homophobic gay-bashing staff.

http://www.rathergood.com/gaybar/

Other news this week – contract delays south of the equator have occurred yet again due to the fact that the mafia are fighting amongst themselves for the right to control the dealings with Company X through a third party. No details can be given in print at this time due to a special on-going investigation into a CIA leak. A memo was sent to all staff some time ago concerning toilet checks. It seems that some staff has forgotten this important advice. Please check the toilets.

. 

It’s goodbye to Dr P (Prince of Darkness) and Mrs H this week.

Remarkably they were not marched off the premises of Company X as soon as they handed in their notices and have had to grin and bear it for a while longer; but the wait is now over. Dr P is off to start a family and is hanging up his boots to become a house husband – very rock n roll.
Mrs H is moving to a new job to be closer to her husband so they can spend more time together – ahh bless, very romantic.

The Alternative Newsletter wishes you both all the best, but don’t expect a word of thanks for your efforts from the management of Company X.

Consumer Power Solidarity – the war against late pizza delivery!

I call for a pizza. Give my name, hotel, room number etc.
45 mins they say – OK.
1 hour later I call back to find out where the hell my pizza is and cancel the order.
It will be there in two mins they say.
I have now decided I’m having that fucking pizza for free or otherwise they can take it back.

Delivery guy arrives at the hotel room and hands over the pizza – “sorry it’s so late we are very busy” now he’s expecting payment.
I say “I’ve just talked to the manager and he said I could have it for free”
He says – “oh you talked to the manger?”
I say “yes”
The delivery guy shuffles around nervously and says he would appreciate a tip.
I give him a $5 tip and he leaves.

2 hours (11pm) later I get a call from the pizza manager direct to my hotel room.

Pizza M – hi sir is that ******* at room ****
Me – yes
Pizza M – we are now $26 short as you didn’t pay for your pizza
Me – well the delivery guy gave it me for free as it was so late.
Pizza M – we are coming to collect the money
Me – you had better bring the police with you because I’m not paying
Pizza M – Ok we will bring the police

I’m calling their bluff - 1 hour later I now get a call from the hotel manager

Hotel M – hi Mr ******* we have the pizza delivery manager at the from desk and he says you owe him some money
Me – no the delivery guy gave it me for free and I gave him a $5 tip

I now hear a muffled conversation between the two managers

Hotel M – he says you still got to pay
Me – no I don’t think so

More muffled conversations

Hotel M – Ok good night sir

Moral of the story – If it says on the menu they will bring the Pizza to your door within 45 mins then it I expect it there within 45 mins. If you employee such stupid morons then they deserve to get sacked – take the money from his wages. You can do the same next time your pizza is late. Consumer Power Solidarity – the war against late pizza delivery!

Quote of the week comes from a friend of Bob’s (he does meet them).
Bob was explaining to his American friend Dicky that there are no guns in England. Slightly confused by this Dicky says “So if there are no guns in England, how do the gun stores make any money!?”
Yes good point Dicky!!

They thought it couldn’t get any worse but now hurricane Wilma is on the way. Company X life jackets will be issued to those staff who are in the area. Good Luck.

Not waving- drowning! The curry curse strikes again!

Ahoy there. The super duper boat project got off to a great start on its maiden voyage this weekend.
The Pirate Cowboys had to be pulled out of the channel by the coastguard tug boat after the fucking boat hit a signal buoy and ran aground! The Captain wasn’t quite sure about steering the boat and didn’t know where he was going – sounds like he is over qualified and would be a perfect project manager for Company X.
The entire industry has been waiting with bated breath for this momentous maiden voyage and the news of this latest disaster quickly spread to the stock market and the share price has responded accordingly – it’s running aground. Not quite rock bottom yet but heading in that direction. Whatever next?!

Update on the Mexican

Well it seems that it was not ganja he was smoking at but crack. The manager at first tried to talk him out of the toilet but he just refused to talk. Another manager then tried to do the same but again not a word or movement. When they looked under the cubicle they could see that he was just standing there. They looked over the cubicle and got the shock of their lives as the Mexican was just standing their staring with a very frightening possessed look on his face.
Now it was serious and the paramedics were called in. He refused to move or speak. Now the police were called in and they did not take the situation lightly it was a looney terrorist alert to them and they dealt with it in their usual over the top way and removed him by force.
He is now in hospital and has still not uttered one word to anyone, including his wife. Up to this point he had been a model employee, never late, non confrontational and always sober. Very weird or the best crack on the planet- had he seen God?

Another Arrest!

Yes Sir – Company X partner SAG services had one of their employees arrested today for smoking dope in the toilet for 3 hours. The employee a Mexican was already high on something else when he went into the bogs for a smoke.

The management were informed that “someone” was smoking dope in the toilets. After 3 hours of trying to persuade the employee to come out but to no avail the police were called in to remove the employee by force from the toilets.

Complete over reaction - 3 police cars arrived guns at the ready on the scene and arrested the dope smoking Mexican. Completely mental panic as they thought he could be a terrorist.

Just waiting for the return in a few weeks of the disgruntled ex-employee who guns down half the staff!

Remember just sat NO.

the girls 

The drugs

The Bribe

RIPPING YARNS - FEAR AND LOATHING IN MEXICO

Two Company X employees go mad in Mexico…the Alternative Newsletter can now reveal the shocking truth of what really happened one summer night in Mexico.

The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Bill & Bob boarded the Mexicoach which takes passengers across the border from the US into Tijuana. They found a hotel and were out on the town ready to party by early afternoon. Tijuana is basically a city which thrives on the influx of tourists, and every resident has some sort of scheme or plan to get every last dollar out of each tourist. This basic lesson in finances was first learnt as the waiter in the restaurant thought it quite normal to try and get your head in an arm-lock while he poured Tequila down your throat while blowing loudly on a whistle. Bill & Bob resisted this charming approach. It became more obvious as the night went on that the whistle is a new and exciting invention in Mexico as everyone has one.

Anyway to cut a long story short they were pissed by 5pm and on the lookout for other substances. This arrived very tightly wrapped in black plastic. They were not exactly sure what is was but they ate it and snorted it anyway. 20 mins later they were defiantly off it.

Bill & Bob then went in search of more recreational substances and this is where the story really gets going.

Bill got some coke of one guy and bob got some crystal meth from another all within the space of 5mins. One enterprising young Mexican said he could help also. We followed him through a warren of badly lit back streets not really sure if we were going to be mugged murdered or what. We followed him into a small house and up some rickety steep stairs to a rooftop that looked like a bombsite. In the corner was tiny room where on guy was smoking dope, we bought some weed and had a smoke on the rooftop while talking about football. We offered them some coke and they took it but they actually thought we were drug barons from Europe looking for large supply chains.

Our friend guided us back down the stairs and out into the dark streets. One guy on the street was ready to mug us but our friend told him to f off, all in Spanish of coarse. By now Bill & Bob we truly mashed and they found themselves in a brothel armed with loads of drugs. They nipped off to the toilets to snort more and the security caught them, a $20 fine each and a snort for one of their mates sorted that out.

They bought some drinks and then came the swarm of hookers, Bill & Bob resisted for 10 mins but then they both decided to go for it. Bob went left, Bill went right. Bill as he was counting his cash realised he was $20 short, he had to find Bob to borrow some cash. He found Bob stripped to the waist with pants halfway down with some hooker about to do what hookers do. Bill then ran back to the other side of the brothel to pay for his hooker who promptly took him to a corner of the room which had nothing but a couch with an open view onto the rest of the room with a crowd watching the pole dancers. She stripped Bill and was about to do what hookers do, but with out a condom. Bill insisted that she get a condom and she walked off to find one. So Bill finds himself standing stark naked in a club with a hard-on. The hooker came back with two friends to discuss the condom situation which was now going to cost $10. More snorts of coke with hooker and friend and Bill got down to it, but halfway through the romantic proceedings another loving couple dived on the couch next to Bill and started banging away! Bob had a similar experience in his “room”. A job well done Bill & Bob go in search of more orthodox entertainment.

They ask a taxi driver to take them to see some live music. The taxi driver took them to some local haunt which had a great band and the drink prices were not tourist prices. Bill & Bob continued to snort the crystal meth and watch the band; this is where is gets really silly. By now it was about 3am. Bill & Bob decided to go and f*** more hookers. They went off in search of a cash machine and got $200 each to add to what they already had. They then went back into the main part of town and were befriended by some local “guide”. Bob decided that he wanted to try shagging this time on Viagra which was readily available in the drug stores. Bill explained this to the guide and he took them to a local drug store that was open. Bill asked the assistant for 2 viagra and paid up. Bill then turns to Bob who is lurking around the other side of the store and shouts to him “eh Bob here’s your Viagra pill” Bob was not best pleased as Bill placed it in his has as this was deemed embarrassing.

20 mins later now loaded up with Viagra, coke, weed, alcohol and deadly crystal meth, our guide was trying to lure us into one of “his” brothels. Bear in mind that these “guides” expect payment for just walking next to you. Bill & Bob had had enough of this guy and refused to walk any further and the guide was getting all upset. Bill then decided to roll a joint. Just as he had lit up a cop car with lights flashing, stopped next to Bill & Bob. That was it – game over – arrested on the street hands on the bonnet – empty the pockets to find all our recreational substances. A crowd gathers and we are put into the back of the cop car. As Bill & Bob were now so mashed and it seemed be like a surreal fun experience as they were drove off down the road in the back seat of a Mexican cop car. The cops said we were now going to spend 3 nights in Jail and then we would be sentenced or fined. They asked us various questions – took our ID etc. This is when the gravity of the situation hit home. Fined – “how much?” Bill enquired. “How much do you have on you?” said the copper. This is when we knew that we were probably going to get away with a bribe. They handed over all the money they had, which was about $600 between them. The police car then stopped at another situation where there were another 3 or 4 police cars. Bill & Bob then thought that they had been not only been arrested for possession of narcotics but were now also going to be charged with bribery!

This turned out not to be the case – the police came back to the car and then asked them where they were staying. They told them the name of the hotel and they drove them back to the hotel! As they got out he offered both of them some advice. “Next time you come to Mexico – don’t do drugs!” Bill & Bob nodded with approval at the suggestion and wandered into the lobby of the hotel.

Needless to say Bill & Bob had the worst hangovers imaginable and had spent an absolute fortune. They had plenty of time to contemplate all this this as they waited in the mile long Q to get back into the US. And the moral of the story is – just say NO.