COMPANY X EMPLOYS BRIAN THE SUPER GEEK!

He doesn’t answer back – works 24 /7 – produces top class code – and doesn’t shag the girls – but can be a bit smelly and spotty.

Yes it’s been a busy week for Company X at the geek festival in Silicon Valley California. On display were some of the world’s most fantastically spotty geeky geeks. The male to female ratio was about 500 to 1; in fact it was so bad that the Microsoft after party had to actually hire 5 girls to attend the geek party where thousands of geeks crowded around a giant X- BOX screen before comparing spots.

Company X had the most pathetic stand at the show – right in the back corner with nothing but a couple of posters to attract attention; which surprisingly worked.

Geek after geek arrived at the stand enquiring about all sorts of bollocks; and most of them were promptly slapped and told to fuck off. But Brian was a special geek and the future model employee of Company X. Senior management are tiring of the “fuck you I wont do what you tell me” attitude of most of the staff, young and old and so the new policy is to move towards a new super geek style employee.

Meanwhile Bob has been at it again as the curse of the volcanic rock strikes back as he loses yet another wallet. This could be some sort of world record – Norris McWorter (is he still alive?) needs to clarify this.

Meanwhile those crazy Italians have decided to buy 50,000 Company X pizza making machines - code named The Tomato Wanker. This has sent the share price rocketing (well it went up about 0.1%). The Tomato Wanker has the highest security level features of any pizza making machine in the world. It doesn’t make very good pizzas yet; well the machine doesn’t actually exist yet, but we are working on that and the security is all in place which is all good news for Company X. Well done team.

Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!
Sack the Board!

Howling at the Moon - Senile Dementia taking hold within Company X!

A youthful rebellion is on the cards as the older generations within Company X are losing the plot fast. Two good examples of this happened last week.

Situation Number 1

Motor mouth was talking away when one member of staff pointed out a beautiful crescent moon in the clear night sky. The crescent was only just visible as the previous night would have been a new moon and totally black. Motor mouth said “well you should have seen it last night it was a wonderful full moon.” Now we all knew immediately that this would have been impossible according to the current laws of nature and physics and that the statement was complete bollocks! The frightening thing is that when this fact was pointed out to motor mouth he really couldn’t grasp the fact and was trying to think where and when he had seen the full moon? Oh dear call an ambulance!

Situation Number 2

Skywalker while talking to one of the athletic members of staff struck up a conversation about jogging. Skywalker was deluding himself with stories of his athletic prowess in the past when he then suddenly remembered that in fact he was a sprinter and in fact he still sprints everyday to keep fit he said! Where and when this sprinting takes place exactly is something of a mystery but Mrs Skywalker was nodding in agreement – oh yes that’s right. Fucking weird.

Anyway bob has been at it again and the curse of the volcanic rock has been lifted and the lucky twat won $250 not once, not twice but three times in a week on video poker!

The Company X charity event to the karting track ended in disaster when one unnamed idiot driver spun out of control at 120mph and smashed into the crash barrier. The driver suffered no injuries but the car was fucked and Company X will not be invited back again next year.

The bullshit surrounding the HR department turned out to be just that. One unnamed employee cried wolf but got a slap for a false alarm.

And finally the results are out for the Company X sex survey and the statistics show that the Network / IT department think about sex the more than any other department – keeping thinking – it’s the thought that cunts – I mean counts.